Life on MY Terms

It has to be this way, because I want it to be this way! This is my life and I’ve decided what’s right, what’s possible, what’s good for me! I’ve even asked God, (or told God), to agree with me 100%. I’ve become so accustomed to, and comfortable with, the parameters of my life that any other way of living cannot be what God wants for me. I would need to change. And that’s very upsetting for me. Besides, I have consulted all kinds of authorities, who just happen to agree with me and with what I think and want.

Does this sound extreme? Maybe. Maybe not. When my plans are disrupted, when how I expected my day, or my life to go, when what I really wanted (and decided was necessary), doesn’t happen, how do I react? Do I feel this change, unexpected occurrence, malfunction as a personal attack or affront? There’s nothing personal about a car that won’t start, a salesperson who’s having a bad day, an accident, technology that begins to do strange and unreliable things. Life happens, and not according to my agenda or my willing it to be one way or another.

If I’ve been deeply wounded in my ability to trust anyone, if I’ve felt it necessary for my well-being, or even survival, that I can only rely on myself, it can seem almost impossible to hand my life over to anyone else. Not even to God! Sure, I can give God a place in my life, but I may not be able to let go of this illusion that I can and must control my time, activities, and access to my heart. God, in effect, comes only after me and my vigilance, which I have unconsciously convinced myself alone keeps me safe.

If God is God, and not some more or less important component in my life, peace and happiness only come when I give up all claims to being a part-time god, imagining that I run the show, or any part of it. So many holy people have learned and taught that surrender to God, putting God as number one in my life, is the only way to wholeness. Is this easy? No! If I have experienced trauma, even multiple “little traumas,” my life might have become a path of fearful avoidance. Caution is good and necessary to help remain safe and well, but it also can become a substitute for being fully alive.

And it’s not just wounding that can displace God in my life. If those I have relied on to teach and to guide me have presented me with a set way of seeing, believing, and behaving, this indoctrination can also take over for God as my sole authority and can replace the will of God, which is revealed anew in each and every moment. Wasn’t this what Jesus confronted the religious teachers and authorities of his day about? They had put the Law, which is a very beautiful gift from God, above God. The love, mercy and compassion of God cannot be limited, or enclosed, or carved in stone. If I am so caught up in, or because of, what has been, I will certainly miss what is God inviting me to, here and now. Hopefully I can choose life on God’s terms.