Over the past six years my life has gone in a direction I hadn’t sought, planned, or anticipated. In January 2019 my dermatologist called me with the results of a biopsy she had done. I had had several biopsies previously, so this wasn’t worrisome. They all had come out negative. I was in very good health, as far as I knew. This time the report indicated a cancer which the dermatologist labeled aggressive and unpredictable. It needed immediate specialized attention.
I met with an oncologist who described this cancer as “rare,” and already in stage two. (I never really wanted to be this special.) Two surgeries and years of immunotherapy took a huge toll on my body. The cancer passed to stage three. The treatments became more intensely powerful as the “wild” cancer resisted and persisted. Finally the infusions needed to be stopped because the side effects were devastating.
Scans to track the status of the cancer showed no new activity, so they were offered at longer and longer intervals. Could it be possible that we could relax – that the cancer was in remission? In July of last year, I discovered a new tumor in the area where the cancer had first appeared. Scans showed that, indeed, the cancer was back and had spread. Now stage four.
With the first diagnosis, I was forced to realize that I may never again enjoy another Christmas, or birthday, or see loved ones who live far away. Death became my shadow. Death was constantly shoving its way into my consciousness. Now this awareness has increased.
Death is a fact of life. Since my early years I’ve known that living things, including people, die. But now death has moved in, and isn’t going away. The realization of the fragility of life grows. We are born with no guarantees. I have lived a long life, but I certainly would prefer to have more years to savor, to share, to grow.
Is it possible to consider the inevitability of death as a blessing? Death certainly gives us perspective on what is essential and what is just blinding distraction. Death reminds us that our time here on earth is limited. Life is short. If we are free to choose, we need to opt for the life we truly desire to live. Waiting for some day when circumstances are finally right is futile. Some day never comes.
Death doesn’t care about our agendas. Death puts the lie to the illusion that we can live life on our terms. Death whispers continually, “Now is the time! Do it now! Live each day to the full!”
Every morning that we wake up, every moment that we have is precious gift. Death reminds us of this. St. Francis of Assisi named her “Sister Death.” Death offers perspective. St. Ignatius of Loyola has as a discernment exercise, when you don’t have clarity, to see yourself on your deathbed, looking back at an important decision you are about to make, to get a feel for what you would have preferred to choose. Other saints kept a human skull in their cave or room as a reminder. Death is clearly our relative, can be our companion, perhaps even a very uncomfortable friend.