Certainly, we’ve all known loss. We all have grieved. Death is no stranger to us. I’m not a counselor, nor am I an expert on grief work. But I can’t stay in the background – silently observing – though that’s a favorite place of mine. Something inside me wants to scream, to cry out now, “Why?” I don’t have any answers, and of course, this is the wrong question.
Within the past three months I personally know of six people who have died: friends, adult children of friends, a cousin, friends of friends… Four of these felt that life, as it seemed to them, hurt too much to keep on living. They took their lives, directly or indirectly. We can’t know all that they were trying to carry, trying to live up to, trying just so hard, and in their mind – alone.
What messages did they absorb from early on from our society about being the best, being super strong, appearing to have it all together? All very good people doing what they could – alone (even if they were surrounded by others who cared). Life, as they perceived it, became overwhelming, and they were unable, truly un-able, to reach out for the lifelines floating not too far away. Did they not believe, in some deep inner place, that anyone truly loved or cared about them – despite experience to the contrary? Or did they not believe that they were worthy of that love, that they, imperfect as they were, didn’t deserve to be loved? A whisper within,”I’m not okay as I am?” What secrets ruled their inner lives?
It’s too easy to live virtually, tangentially connected, sharing activities and experiences, without the intimacy that friendship requires, the vulnerability that, over time, builds community. There is no substitute for real, sometimes raw, relationships. There is no physical or spiritual practice that can bypass our human need for the bonds of love. But love is tough. It demands mature people willing to do and risk whatever it takes to make it work. Fr. Pat, our former pastor, clearly urged us, “Don’t carry any burden alone!” Reach out. Please. We need each other.
Faith can help. Believing that there is a good, creative, loving Being behind and within all reality, if we take this to its logical conclusion, means that, beyond any doubt, each and every one is good, loved, cherished and held carefully. And this loving, cherishing and holding doesn’t end when our time here finishes – however it finishes. The big sadness is that some people aren’t able to accept or receive this love until they are fully embraced by it after death. Finally they can stop trying so hard and rest.